Respond

Confronting emotional Abuse

Once you get past the shock and realization that you are being emotionally abused, you now face the difficult decision of how to confront the abuse. You will probably face a dilemma of bringing attention to each incident of abuse as it happens, and also initiating a planned, full-scale discussion with your abuser with the hopes of a long-term change in their behavior.

The way you handle each is completely different. Addressing a specific incident as it happens requires a completely different approach than launching a full scale, bottom lining discussion with expected results and consequences if the abuser fails to agree to your requests or change their behavior.

Before you confront the abuse it’s important to understand that the intent of every abuser is to control you and avoid meaningful conversation. After all, abuse is used as a tactic to manipulate and have power over you. It is the goal of every abuser to feel superior to you and dominate you. It’s all about winning for them, and they use emotional abuse to accomplish this.

Most abusers will deny any responsibility for their actions or the things they say. They will always try and shift the blame on to their victims. They can be bullies, and their only motive and goal is to gain and maintain the upper hand over you. It’s all about having power. And if you have been abused for any length of time, your self-esteem will most likely be compromised which naturally leads to self-doubt, insecurities, isolation and increased dependency on your abuser who is trying to shape your reality to accomplish their goal of controlling you.

Responding To Incidents

To respond effectively at the time something is said or is happening requires a strategy that will not only effectively counter but also neutralize and put a stop to the incident. If you focus on what is being said, you’ll fall into the trap of trying to respond rationally which will lead to denying the accusations, and having to explain yourself. When that happens, you will effectively lose your power, allowing the abuser to win and deflect responsibility for the verbal abuse they have just hurled all over you.

In many cases, it is often best to challenge the behavior and the way something is being said. This can be done with forceful statements as, “Stop it,” “Don’t talk to me that way,” “That’s demeaning,” “Don’t call me names,” “Don’t raise your voice at me,” “Don’t use that tone with me,” “I don’t respond to orders,” etc. Responding this way will enable you to set firm boundaries and dictate how you expect to be treated, which will allow you to take back the power your abuser desperately wants to take away from you.

If the abuser responds with something like, “I’ll talk to you any way I want to,” or with an “Or what?” You can then respond with, “I won’t continue this conversation.” This can often make your abuser become more abusive; in which case, you just continue to set firm boundaries. At that point, you can say something like “If you continue, I’ll leave the room,” and do so if the abuse continues.

Some people recommend using humor as a way to deflect what your abuser is saying, but that usually just escalates the situation into hurling insults. A better way to respond to any repetitious insults or accusations is to simply question or repeat the insult, followed by a calm, firm response of "Well, I disagree," or "I don't see it that way," or "I know exactly what I'm doing."

If you keep setting boundaries, the abuser will get the message that their manipulation and abuse won’t be as effective as they had hoped for, if at all. If after some time, the attempts of abuse continue and the relationship continues to suffer or gets worse, you always have the option of leaving. This of course should be a part of the boundaries you set for that deeper talk you might be planning to have, because the incident responses are not having any effect on your abuser.

Regardless of what eventually happens, you are still slowly rebuilding your self-confidence and self-esteem, along with learning important skills about setting boundaries. If your abuser responds well (which sadly, rarely happens) and shows long-term signs of changing their behavior, the relationship might improve to the point it can be saved. If not, it will definitely give you the skills to make sure that you won’t allow someone else to abuse you in the future.

The Big Talk

Confronting an abuser, especially in a long-term relationship, can be challenging. It often takes the support of trusted friends and family to be able to consistently stand up to abuse. Without it, you may doubt your reality, feel guilty about what you are doing, along with the fear that comes from the potential loss of the relationship or worse yet, some type of reprisal from your abuser.

But at some point in most abusive relationships, there comes a point where you need to initiate a deep, sincere, bottom-line discussion with your abuser. Before doing this, I would strongly advise that you talk with a counselor or therapist and come up with a plan so that you will be properly prepared to face and challenge your emotional abuser. If your abuser is also a physical abuser, than I would highly recommend you have someone with you.

Of course, none of this would be necessary if your abuser sincerely wanted to get counseling for their Cluster B disorder(s) in the first place or entered into marriage or relationship counseling with you. Because this would definitely allow you to bring their toxic behavior to light and allow the therapist to intervene on your behalf and for good of the relationship.

I can’t suggest strongly enough to first talk with a counselor to help guide you and come up with a solid plan to confront your abuser. Before talking to your abuser, make sure you create a list of everything you want to say to them and think about how you want the conversation to go. It is absolutely imperative that you are prepared to leave the relationship if the confrontation does not go the way you hoped for, or makes your abuser respond worse.

Don’t just grab your abuser on the spur of the moment and tell them you want to talk to them. Ask them to set aside a specific time to speak with you about your relationship. If they refuse, send them a request in writing or via email or text and let them know you are prepared to leave them if they do not respond with a specific commitment to speak with you. In your request, just emphasize that you want to speak with them about the relationship.

The Bottom Line

If they refuse to meet with you, you can articulate all of your feelings in a final letter when you leave them. But they probably won’t read it. If you are able to get your abuser “to the table,” set the ground rules for how the conversation is going to go and stick with them. It is imperative that you remain in control of the conversation the entire time. You might even want your abuser to just stay quiet and listen until you have said everything you want to say to them.

It’s important to articulate ALL of the reasons you are having this conversation with your abuser. These should include telling them how their abuse makes you feel; that you are NOT responsible for their abuse and the pain they have caused you; that you will no longer tolerate or allow the abuse, that they need to commit to long-term professional counseling that yields noticeable results; and that if they can’t or won’t change their behavior you will leave the relationship permanently.

It is imperative throughout this conversation that you continuously and consistently reinforce that you are NOT responsible for their behavior, that you don’t deserve it, and that you will no longer tolerate it. Be prepared for your abuser to defend themselves and also try to minimize or brush off their abusive and toxic behavior. Emphasize that their abuse is wrong, and that you are entitled to your personal feelings because no none can or should tell you how you should feel about something.

If they calmly, sensitively and sincerely respond to what you share, along with your request for them to commit to get help and change their behavior; then set firm timelines, consequences and boundaries to their behavior and commitment. They should easily be able to find a counselor and set an appointment within a week’s time. There should be consistent, visible, positive changes in their behavior, otherwise they’re just going through the motions to try and keep you in the relationship.

But the sad truth is that at least 90% of emotional abusers will not respond positively to your conversation and requests/demands. In fact, be prepared for their behavior to escalate because now they know you recognize their toxic behavior for what it is and they have nothing to lose. Don’t feel bad that your meeting didn’t produce the desired response from your abuser or the results you hoped for. You will feel a certain amount of relief in finally sharing how you feel and for getting it out in the open. Take pride in knowing you did everything you could to stop the abuse and save your relationship. Then shake the dust of your boots and move on. Your abuser isn’t worth another day in your life.