Respond
How To Respond To Anger & Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse is one of many forms of emotional abuse. It often involves demanding, yelling, complaining, name-calling, accusations, insulting, making threats and other acts of verbal aggression. It can also be much more subtle and include things like disrespectful jokes, demeaning comments, blame, criticism or a blatant disregard for your feelings.
Responding In The Moment
When your abuser speaks to you in an abusive manner, they are trying to control your behavior. They want you to react by getting upset. They are trying to force you to pay attention to them and to give them power at the same time. Your first and natural response may be to defend yourself and to try to control them in turn. Don’t. You must refuse to get emotionally engaged. The best thing you can do is to turn your attention to yourself and keep control of your own behavior. If you are forced to defend yourself or confront your emotional abuser’s verbal attacks as they are happening, it’s important to:
De-escalate their attacks with calm and firm language.
Not get upset or respond by yelling or making counter insults.
Show them that you aren’t interested in their opinion.
Not defend yourself against their accusations or insults.
Remind yourself that no one has the right to put you down.
Not try and appeal to their sympathies.
Remember that this is not something you deserve.
You can respond by saying things like:
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“We’ll I don’t share or agree with your opinion.”
“I’m not going to listen to this.”
Set Boundaries
When you are being verbally abused, explain to your abuser that you will not engage with their behavior, then set consequences, and stick to them. You can say things like:
"I would be happy to talk to you about this issue when you calm down.”
“I will not allow you to insult me, disrespect me, or speak sarcastically to me.”
“If you keep speaking to me in that tone, I will leave the house."
If they say they are just joking, say "I don't like that joke, and I am not going to talk to you when you talk to me like that." Make sure to follow through on whatever consequence you set. If you said you will leave the house, leave the house.
Walk Away
If a boundary you set is crossed, or if you feel unsafe, leave. If you are home, you can go to another room or leave the house. You don't have to put up with anger or verbal abuse.
Return only if it is safe. Leaving your house is a good strategy if you have an abuser who gets angry easily and needs to calm down. In these cases, leave for an hour or two and come back when you feel ready. However, if your abuser is more inclined to stay angry, to escalate into violence, or to seek some sort of revenge, stay away. Or better yet, leave them permanently.
Visit a trusted friend or family member and tell them about the verbal abuse. Never stay silent about verbal abuse. Let others know what you are going through. Abuse can escalate, and verbal abuse can get in your head. Friends, family, and others can help. If you or someone you know has been experiencing verbal abuse for a prolonged period, find a good therapist as soon as possible.