MY STORY

I had never planned to write two books about toxic relationships and emotional abuse. It’s not a very attractive subject, and I knew I would have to re-visit some very dark moments in my life if they were going to be books worth reading - books that could help people relate to, identify, understand, avoid or escape and recover from what I have personally gone through. As a male, I also realized I would not only face doubters, but would also have to deal with the demasculating image of being a man that has been abused by a woman and overcome the shame, guilt and incredible suffering that comes with it.

The abuse can be verbal, physical, sexual, emotional, financial, spiritual, legal, psychological or, if you have a hall of fame abuser, a combination of all of them. Sadly, there is even more abuse of women by men taking place in the world, and I didn’t want to detract from that very real and horrific problem either. That is why it’s my sincere hope that these books and my website will speak to both men and women on the subject of emotional abuse.

I’m a widower who was fortunate to be previously married for almost 30 years to an amazing, loving, beautiful, joyful human being. Our relationship was by no means perfect, but always filled with an incredible amount of intimacy and affection. It was strong and resilient in response to changes and challenges - encouraging, trusting, faithful, and filled with happiness and common purpose. Even though I have been a pastoral counselor and life coach for many years and have been exposed to and counseled personal dysfunctions and relational challenges, I really had no personal experience or exposure to the world of Cluster B personality disorders, psychopathy and emotional abuse.

I was blessed to have been able to semi-retire early after selling a very successful business that I’d spent 25 years building. I had plenty of friends, was involved with many non-profit organizations and projects, was a successful investor and traveled a lot. After I lost my wife to cancer, I was extremely sad, lonely and vulnerable. I equated loneliness with sadness, and felt that unless I solved the first problem, I could never overcome the second one. I would go for long walks and ask God to send me a new life-long lover, friend, companion and soulmate who shared the same values and interests as I did. You might as well have tattooed a sign on my forehead that said “perfect abuse candidate.” I could never have imagined that things could get any worse than the pain I felt after losing my first love. But I was wrong. The personal hell I was soon to experience is something no one should ever have to suffer through. In fact, it almost killed me.

The Abuse

I was soon introduced to the world of psychopathy and would end up enduring almost four years of extreme emotional abuse and toxic behavior. I encountered almost every aspect of all four of the Cluster B personality disorders. Along the way I experienced euphoric love-bombing, went through the confusing de-valuing stage, and encountered a continuous assault of verbal outbursts, threats, lies, manipulation, gaslighting and silent treatment. I soon learned all about the “mean and sweet” cycles that Cluster B’s incorporate to cope with their dysfunction, and it left me confused and severely heartbroken. Never one to give up, I just trained myself to ignore my own needs and desires and drew satisfaction from the few times that I did do something right that actually pleased her.

My abuser worked non-stop to demonize, ridicule and push away everyone who was close and dear to me. I became isolated from all of my friends and family in order to try and save the relationship, and I soon felt like I was the loneliest person in the world. She tracked my coming and going and monitored my every move. She would cover up her intensely toxic behavior with a blend of aggression, deceit, exaggeration, seduction, manipulation and excessive emotion to hide who she really was. I constantly faced new needs, challenges, complaints, accusations and demands, and my abuser never missed an opportunity to tell me how unhappy she was and how much she hated me.

I had been sucked into a black hole by a master abuser, a Cluster B poster child, with all four of the personality disorders. I soon was battling anxiety and depression, along with a nasty case of PTSD. I was confused and couldn’t think straight anymore. My abuser would attack everything about me, from the way I looked, to the things I liked and did, the food I ate, the way I slept, the clothes I wore and the music I listened to. All of which she claimed to love and adore back at the beginning of the relationship. Nothing was out of reach for her ridicule and loathing. And the lies and manipulation just kept getting worse. It got so bad, that I would often pray to God just to take me away from all the pain and misery.

My Escape

Fortunately I heard a comforting and familiar voice one night that helped me to start seeing things more clearly. God was always there and He has never left me. He saw everything I was going through and told me it would be ok. I discovered and started learning and understanding about the Cluster B personality disorders and my abuser’s behavior started making sense to me. I also had a number of friends and family members who never gave up on me.

I found an amazing, empathetic and effective counselor who helped me to see things more clearly, learn how to respond to and reject my abuser’s toxic behavior and helped give me the focus and strength to eventually leave her. It wasn’t easy to do and the range of emotions I went through at the end of the relationship was unlike anything I had ever felt or been through before. But I was finally free. You may ask “Why didn’t I leave sooner?” Well, there were many reasons, but you’ll have to read my books to find out and understand.

The Road To Recovery 

I have made the journey from being a wounded victim to becoming an informed survivor, and I am still alive and looking at life with a fresh and thankful perspective. I can look back and now understand that there never was an “us.” It was something my abuser made me feel initially, to accomplish the task at hand. It was all a part of her plan and she worked it perfectly. I was a means to an end. Nothing more, nothing less. It happens, and has happened to better and smarter people than myself.

I have learned that an abuser can use your values and desire to be a good person in order to trap and hold you in the relationship. They can use your love, determination, sense of responsibility, compassion and empathy towards them, and even your faith to play with your head and guilt you to keep putting up with their toxic behavior and bend to their will. With men, it’s almost as if we have been pre-conditioned with the ability to tolerate abuse and not make too much of a big deal about it. I also know there are many brave and strong women out there who have shared the same experiences and share these same traits. And all of them are my heroes.

I want to help you be intentional about your healing, and enable you to recover and experience the life you desire and truly deserve. I also want to provide you with an understanding of why people with Cluster B disorders do what they do, while shedding light on these disorders that are so often behind mental and emotional abuse. You will learn that the abuse was never your fault and that you are not alone in your recovery journey. You will discover that there is a Father in Heaven whose heart broke for you while you were suffering and uniquely wired you to withstand and survive the abuse. You will grow more confident and re-discover just how strong and resilient you actually are.

If you are someone who is currently suffering in an abusive relationship, wanting to escape one, or trying to recover and heal from one; my hope is to give you some new insight, perspective and helpful tools to do so. I’ve written these books and created this website so I can help others learn from my experience, and find true peace and happiness again in their lives. I hope you will take what you learn and pass it along to other people who have suffered from emotional abuse. And I hope it will be a blessing to you.

Greyson James