Respond

Dealing With Threats

Threats are used by all types of abusers. While physical abusers will often threaten to commit some type of harm on their victims if they don’t comply with their wishes, emotional abusers use threats with much more subtlety and deviousness to get what they want and gain control over their victims. What is important to understand is that a threat of any kind is a form of abuse.

Some threats are obvious and easy to recognize, but many can be veiled in humor, hidden in an argument or made in the form of blackmail. But behind every threat is the deeper message of “If you don’t do what I ask, want, or demand, you will regret it.”

The Obvious Threats include:

“If you leave me, I’ll kill myself.”

“If you do that, I’ll hit, hurt or punish you.”

“If you don’t do this, I won’t speak to you.”

“If you make me look bad, you’re going to be sorry.”

“If you try and divorce me I’ll take everything from you.”

“If you don't start doing things my way, I'll leave you.”

Subtle Threats include:

“I’m going to call the police and file a (phony) complaint.”

“I’m going tell everyone you’re hurting me.”

“Go ahead and report me, no one’s going to believe you.”

“Do you really want me to tell everyone what you’re like?” 

“If you don’t do this, I’m going to post stories about you on social media.”

“Everyone will think you’re crazy once I tell my side of the story.”

Even looks, actions, and gestures can be threatening when the intention is to manipulate or control you. You can be glared or scowled at, receive a tight hand squeeze, subtle kick under the table or be completely ignored while in their presence. The key with the more subtle threats is that an emotional abuser can easily deny them and say its all in your head and your just misreading things.

Some types of threats can be even more subtle and not necessarily connected to a particular request you denied or didn’t comply to. These types of immature game-playing threats will often be in the form of punishment such as:

Preparing dinner only for themselves when it’s their turn to cook for both of you.

Using cooking ingredients they know you absolutely don’t like.

Suddenly insisting you sleep in a different bedroom.

Not including your clothes when doing the laundry.

Suddenly getting up and leaving when you enter a room.

“Forgetting” to run an errand they promised to do for you.

Where things get tricky is when you get to the point where you’ve had enough of your abuser’s toxic behavior and you start to make bottom-line demands of them in order for you to remain in the relationship. Abuser’s will exploit this and try and turn the tables on you to make it look like you’re the abuser. And if you’ve ever felt like this, you’re not alone.

Abusers are master manipulators. They are experienced and really good at what they do. Now add to this the fact that many abusers genuinely don’t believe they are at fault. They portray a victim mentality towards every aspect of every relationship they are in. This way you will feel sorry for them or guilty about your responses to their threats and toxic behavior.

If you feel powerless in your relationship, it’s a pretty good sign that you are being emotionally abused. Abusers make threats in relationships because they know they have the power to follow through with them. Don’t let them. Threats are easily neutralized if your abuser realizes you aren’t cowering in fear and at least visually appearing to not take their threats seriously. If your abuser threatens you:

·      Don’t respond to them.

·      Don’t look at them.

·      Say nothing and walk away.

·      Keep a record of each threat, date and time.

·      Tell someone you trust about each threat.

Abusers who threaten people, need to get worked up in order to have the courage to follow through on their threats. They are actually very weak and vulnerable people internally. Their threats have no power if they are ignored and not responded to. By walking away and ignoring your abuser’s threats, the abuser loses the ability to manipulate you.

If you decide that’ you’ve had enough of your emotional abuser’s toxic behavior and threaten them in return if they don’t stop their abuse, it’s because you are trying to preserve your sanity and survive. You are not remotely like your abuser. Just realize at that point, it’s probably best to leave them for someone more deserving of you.

If you actually do decide to leave your abuser, their threats will often pick up in intensity because the abuser knows they are about to lose their control and power over you. Just stay calm, and do what you have to do to leave the relationship.