Recover

The Path To Forgiveness

There will come a point in your recovery where you absolutely need to make personal peace with your abuser. Don’t let them steal away more precious weeks, months or even years of your life as you consume yourself with anger, bitterness or resentment over what they’ve done to you. Yes, it hurt(s) tremendously - beyond anything one can imagine - to not only be taken advantage of by someone who claims to love you, but to also be terribly abused and hurt by that same person, all at the same time. But you need to let it go if you want to move forward to a better, happier life. There’s a difference between a healthy anger that preserves your dignity and integrity, and ruminative anger that robs or controls all of your thoughts and keeps you awake at night.

It is natural to desire an apology from someone who has hurt you, especially when the hurt was administered in so many different ways. In fact, the failure of an abuser to apologize when they really should, almost hurts as much as the actual deed(s) they committed against you. Because an apology means they would have cared about how they made you feel. At least a little bit. But they probably haven’t apologized and the probably won’t.

You have to remember that in the mind of a Cluster B emotional abuser, they simply aren’t capable of understanding the gravity of the offenses and crimes they have committed against you, let alone apologize for it. That’s because they will always view themselves through the lenses of a victim. You will likely never hear those two words that will make you feel respected and validated for the time you spent with them and the abuse you received.

According to Harriet Lerner Ph.D. in her book, Why Won’t You Apologize? the need for apologies and repair is a singularly human one – both on the giving and receiving ends. We are hardwired to seek justice and fairness (however we see it), so the need to receive a sincere apology is deeply felt.” And when we can’t receive that apology we desire, we have to make peace with the actions that apology should have represented. We simply have to let go of the offense(s). It means protecting ourselves from the corrosive effects of staying stuck in the bitterness of the wound.

One of the problems most survivors of abuse have with the idea of forgiveness is that we think it will force us to ignore the fact that someone we deeply loved at one time, hurt us. We often feel the need to be an advocate for ourselves by angrily reminding ourselves and the rest of the world of the injustice that was committed against us. In fact, forgiveness is often considered the F-word to those who have been abused. That’s because it feels empowering when we are angry, and the idea of letting go of something which makes us feel empowered is a somewhat scary thought.

For me, the ability to let go and forgive my abuser came from the reality that, while my abuser was responsible for all of the physical and emotional pain that she inflicted on me (consciously and subconsciously), much of what she did to me was deeply rooted in a past she initially had no control over. Yes, she absolutely is responsible for everything she has ever done in her life, especially in actions and offenses she has committed against myself and others. But I had to ask myself, if I’d been placed in the exact same circumstances from childhood on, who’s to say that I would have turned out any differently?

At the end of the day, most emotional abusers suffer from a number of personality disorders that not only affect their worldview but also their ability to love and trust others, and to have empathy for them. And that is a personal prison no one should desire for anyone. Their past will catch up with them at some point, and so it is important to eventually be able to let it go. We survivors can also take great comfort in the fact that God is watching and knows and sees all things. He will be your abuser’s ultimate judge in the end.

Is forgiveness really necessary for healing? I realize that many people reading this will absolutely cringe at the idea. But the short answer is absolutely yes. I’m not saying that it will be easy to get to the point of being able to do so, but it is so worth it when you finally can. I am also not suggesting that at some point you discuss or share your decision to forgive with your abuser. This is about your healing not theirs, and they have no need to know anything about your personal healing from their abuse. Hopefully this facet of the process just made the whole concept of forgiving your abuser more palatable to consider.

While there are many benefits to forgiveness, the main one is freedom - the freedom of letting go. I have a great chapter on all of the aspects of forgiveness in my Healing book. Just know that when you lay down your rights for justice, fairness, and restitution, you are giving yourself the gift of freedom. It may not be easy, but no matter how badly you have been hurt, your ability to forgive will definitely help you to heal from everything you have gone through. And the moment you do, your abuser will cease to have any power over you.