Respond

Dealing With An Abuser’s Denials

Emotional abusers almost never admit to their abuse because they don’t see themselves as abusers. This is because most emotional abusers see themselves as victims. Most of them truly believe that their abuse is a natural reaction to whatever is happening to them. They honestly believe that their actions are justified. If you didn’t do what you did, hadn’t said what you said or acted in a certain way; they wouldn’t have had to respond the way that they did. This is classic denial and blame shifting.

And if an emotional abuser doesn’t outright deny their behavior, they will often downplay the severity of their actions. This can make those of us on the receiving end of the abuse feel angry, confused, frustrated and often hopeless. This raises the question “Why are most emotional abusers so adamant about denying their toxic and abusive behavior? Before I explain, please remember that no matter the reasons they have denying or minimizing their abuse, it still doesn’t EVER excuse their behavior or make you responsible for it.

One of the reasons for the denial and minimizing is that emotional abusers don’t want to be held accountable for their actions. This prevents them from having to accept responsibility and endure the consequences of what they said or did. But it is important to understand that when someone is engaged in toxic and abusive behavior, their perception of right and wrong is already skewed, so lying about it isn’t that much of a stretch for them.

Abusers will also try and keep their victims quiet. They do this by threatening them, continuing to abuse them, and convincing others around them that the victim is crazy. They may also attack their victim’s credibility so that the abuser will be believed over them. This allows them to play the victim and gain sympathy. Many believers will try and manipulate their victim into believing that they are responsible for the abuse and that they mistreated the abuser.

Emotional abusers will sometimes claim that they do not remember the abuse. One of the disturbing theories behind this is that some abusers engage in these actions so often, that they may not remember specific incidents. To them, abuse is just routine and has happened multiple times. The abuser may also be telling the truth when they say they do not remember the abuse.

Research has shown that emotions associated with some events can alter your memories. Therefore, if the abuser feels enough shame or guilt over what they did, their memories may be shaped to protect their view of themselves. These memories can be altered to let them believe that the abuse did not happen, or in the case of sexual abuse, that it was consensual. The only problem with this theory is that most emotional abusers don’t feel any shame or guilt over what they do.

Sadly, another reason for denial and minimizing abusive behavior is that some people believe that abuse is acceptable. If both abusers and victims have grown up in an abusive household they may either see nothing wrong with it, or just accept it as a natural fact of life in any marriage or relationship. This perception can be hard to change because even counseling or education is is not always enough to change people’s beliefs, especially if they have held this belief for a long time.

Finally, many abusers often truly believe they are a good person and that they aren’t abusive in any shape or form. Or they believe that abuse can only be physical or sexual. People like this may not realize that they are being abusive. This creates a disconnect between their actions and what they believe they didn’t do. One reason for this disconnect is they are either consciously or unconsciously trying to rationalize their abusive behavior so they can still hold the belief that they are a good person. This conflict between their belief and actions is what makes them deny or minimize the abuse.

This is why it is imperative that you confront your abuser and let them know that what you feel and are experiencing from them is indeed emotional abuse. You are the one on the receiving end of the toxic behavior and you have a right to feel the way you feel about it. It happened, you don’t like it, it doesn’t make you feel good and you won’t put up with it any longer. Do not allow them to deny, excuse, justify, rationalize or minimize their behavior. Call it what it is – abuse. Insist or demand that it ends immediately, otherwise be prepared to leave.