Respond
How To Tell They’re Not Changing
They continue to be violent, aggressive and controlling in any way. They accuse, threaten and try to intimidate you. They continue to badmouth you to others or your children.
They say "I can't change unless you do" This means that they’re trying to get you to agree to give up your rights and freedoms in exchange for them not abusing you.
They try to get sympathy from you, family members, and friends. They are still lying to you, the children, your family or other people about what they have done. They won't acknowledge that it was wrong.
They don't seem sorry that they did it, they only seem sorry that they have suffered some consequences for doing it. They refuse to let the subject of their abuse come up or they get angry when it does.
They won't discuss their controlling behaviors and attitudes. They still try to deny it, minimize it, excuse it, or justify it. They play the victim.
They say "How could you do this to me.?" They still whine and blame you for all the problems. They are overly charming, always trying to remind you of all the good times you had together while ignoring the bad.
They try to seduce you, or buy you back with romantic gifts, dinners, flowers. All while trying to convince you that you need to stay together to work it out.
They will not get help or say they'll get counselling or other help, but never do.
They start counseling but then try to convince you that they’re cured and you need to take them back immediately. Or they are getting better but say if you don’t take them back right away it will hinder their recovery.
They might suddenly claim to have found God; and go to church a few times. They cry or beg, often in a public situation so that you are embarrassed and appear to be "cold hearted''.
They do things to try to sabotage your efforts to make it on your own. They harass or stalk you. If you ask them for space or time, they refuse to allow you to have any and continue to make contact in any way they can.
They harass you with phone calls, threats, legal frustrations, showing up at work, hanging around family.
They continue to restrict your rights. They still behave as if they are superior to you. You aren't able to express yourself and speak freely.
They still demand constant attention and won't allow you to take care of your own needs. They still pick at you, criticize you, and ignore your strengths and contributions to the relationship.
They don't support your independence and still refuse to acknowledge that you have rights. They put their wants and needs above yours. They don't recognize the damage they’ve done.
They get angry with you over the consequences you've suffered over their abuse. They’re made or seem confused as to why you fear them, don't trust them, or are hurt and angry with them.
They try to get out of the consequences of their behavior by trying to convince you that something's wrong with you, your too easily hurt or too sensitive.
They’re mad that you left them, instead of recognizing your right to have done so. They still act like you owe them something.
They’re impatient or critical with you for not forgiving them immediately, for not being satisfied with the changes they may have already made, especially if they haven't made the changes you requested, or haven't changed but claim they have.
They’re only concerned with how hard the situation is for them, and no one else. They feel sorry for themselves. They don't show appropriate concern for how you feel about what they’ve done.
They say they can only change if you help them. They want emotional support and forgiveness. They say "I'm changing" but you can see that they’re not or haven’t.
They get angry with you for not realizing how much they’ve changed. They get angry for you not trusting that they may have changed for good.