Respond

Getting An Abuser Into Counseling/Therapy

For those of you who are holding out hope that you might be able to get your emotional abuser to willingly get counseling or therapy, and stick with the process for the long term, here are some cold, hard facts. First of all, there is no cure for any of the Cluster B personality disorders, and no matter how successful treatment might be, the risk of symptoms (especially BPD) returning is real and cannot be ignored.

That said, according the Collaborative Longitudinal Personality Disorders Study (CLPS), several hundred patients diagnosed with personality disorders were tracked over a period of 10 years as they participated in outpatient recovery programs and that’s after participating in intensive psychotherapy for an extended period of time. On average, 85% of Cluster B sufferers experienced extended symptom-free periods lasting 12 months or longer, and out of this group only 11 % suffered any type of relapse. This means about 77 percent of individuals receiving treatment stopped having symptoms altogether, with the rate of recovery being the highest for those suffering from BPD. That’s the good news.

The sad fact is that less than 10% of all Cluster B emotional abusers will ever stick with therapy long enough to experience those results. Some abusers may last for a couple of sessions, quit, and then possibly try working with another counselor for a few sessions before quitting altogether. This is due to a high level of distrust among Cluster B sufferers and the fact that they often will turn on their counselors.

But before you can even attempt to get your emotional abuser into therapy or counseling, your abuser has to acknowledge they have a problem and take responsibility for it. They have to acknowledge that whatever they are doing to you is a problem for you. They then have to be willing to identify and admit that their behavior is also a problem for them and then be willing to take action to fix their problem. No one can convince them to get help. They have to want it for themselves.

Normal functioning people don't keep doing things that don't work for them or continuously cause problems for themselves or for others. The problem is, that it can be extremely difficult for Cluster B’s who engage in abusive behavior to truly see it as a problem because it gets their needs met. They basically engage in behavior that usually gets the response or reaction they are looking for to appease their needs or demands. Their behavior works – for them. The only problem is that it leaves a trail of emotional wreckage behind them.

This is why most emotional abusers will not enter therapy voluntarily. They have to be threatened or bottom-lined. And you have to be prepared to leave the relationship if they don’t agree to enter counseling and stick with it, long-term. They have to understand that if they value you and their relationship with you (which most don’t), that their toxic and abusive behavior is no longer acceptable. They need to understand that you have a right to protect yourself from their behavior, and they will either go into therapy or you will leave them. They need to either get help, or fight their demons alone without you. Period.

They may plead, threaten, act upset, get angry or cry when you demand this, but you have to stick to your principles and not allow them to manipulate you or push you around. Just understand that most emotional abusers won’t respond to anything but to you actually removing yourself from their lives. Also make it a condition that you don’t live together until they complete therapy. When this takes place you have total control and you have all the leverage.

But as much as you may not want to hear this, you will probably leave them anyway. It may take a while, but eventually and hopefully, you will gain the strength and courage necessary to say goodbye to all their endless drama. Then what you need to do is find an effective counselor you can trust, and work on taking care of yourself and healing from the damage your abuser has caused.

A Note About Therapy

An effective treatment program for Cluster B personality disorders will be extensive, comprehensive, and multi-varied, and should include a combination of various types of psychotherapy. There are several types of therapy that have been shown to work well in the treatment of personality disorders. They include dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), mentalization-based therapy (MBT), transference-focused psychotherapy (TFP), cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), schema-focused therapy (SFT), and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR).